ilivewithadisability.com

Are you ok Attif? Loneliness is one of our biggest hurdles, loneliness in love is the hardest.

Well dating is hard for everyone. Take your time and believe that there are good guys out there because there are.

Hi shelby! i haven’t dated anymore since the stroke hit me. I honestly dont know who in his right mind would want to date me, with all the UNDAMAGED GOODS out there………….hahaha well I?m just laughing in order not to cry, really…….so where are the good guys?

Shelby, Tessa here again ! Hope u don’t mind….I was just going throughthe whole site and got to re-read your post and my comment to it ( all above ). I realized I actually didn’t answer you, really. What i did instead was what u blamed other ppl do to u constantly: find a way to think amd only think about themselves. yep, I did it to, so sorry. but it’s good I ralized even if a bit late, so here I am again trying, this time for real, to answer your questions as better as I can.
why friendships with u go only 1 way, like a 1 way road. It could be cuz u give a lot put a lot of effort into the act of friendship making and raise your expectations, like u expect the same in return. well I used to do the same but let me tell u that’s the wrong approach. that way you’re bound to lose. I lost a lot too. Never ever exèect anything fro anyone. NEVER. this way, IF and i say IF u get something in return u’ll be positively surprised!! expectation is relationships’ number one killer, be it a friendship, or more than that. Believe me. that’s all there is to it. all u need to keep in mind. all u really need to know. Sooooo i hope u’ll be POSITIVELY surprised from now on. pop in to my page and let me know if it worked, cuz, after all, this is just my opinion. Take care!

Welcome Tessa! Your on the right track about admitting our weaknesses, it is hard to expose our soft spots. Hopefully with encouragement and time more of us will feel free to talk about these things.
When you say you ’changed’, is that your own assessment, or what you have been told by others? I think we do change when we face adversity, it is a necessary response. However I have also heard it hurled at people as a reason for the friend/partner/spouse to get out of a relationship when things have got tough. In that case change feels so very negative. I hope you’ve not been through that.

Hi Anissa!
It’s very hard to accept ourselves for who we are and what we look like even when we’ve been that way for most of our lives, so I imagine it would be a real challenge for you when the changes have happened so suddenly.
I don’t know if it will help you, but here is what helped me in my marriage. I had to realise that my problems with my self image were just that, they were MY problems. When my husband gave me a compliment, eg. ”Your skin is so soft.” it was my mind that added in a qualifier like ”It’s such a shame its covered in scars”, it was not what he was thinking or saying. When I’d say something negative about myself and he’d say ”but I still love you” or ”I love you just the way you are” I had to learn that he was not agreeing with my negative statement, simply re-assuring me that I was loved no matter how I looked. He couldn’t help but see there was a problem, but it didn’t effect the way he valued me. It took a while to go from telling myself these things to actually believing them even though I could see by the way he cared for me that they were true.
Don’t get me wrong, there have been times when he has been insensitive, and I know he’d rather I had the perfect body, but the point is he only wants that body if it’s Me in it. When I realised that, and then let myself believe it, my own issues with my body stopped interfering so much with our relationship.

When I had my stroke, I was in a committed long term relationship. It was so hard for me to accept my ’new’ body and who I was going to become. Things were different physically, for me too, which put a strain on my relationship. One good thing my partner and I did was talk–I talked to him about the shame I felt in not being able to be ’intimate’ or when touching felt painful and startled me. I was frustrated as heck. But we found ways around that–we got creative. We just had to try different things. I learned that in order for me to see value in myself as a sexual being, I needed to share my feelings with him–how was he supposed to know what I was thinking or feeling? I had to learn to feel comfortable sharing those things with him. Being married or in a relationship is about learning how to communicate and share yourself with your partner, so that’s what I did.

It’s exactly as Sarah says, you have to talk to him. I have to remind my husband from time to time that my frustration is not really with him, it is with myself. The same went for my insecurities, it’s not that I don’t like or need him to say nice things to me, it was just an internal knee jerk reaction to say something negative. I had to encourage him not to stop trying, and thank him for his efforts so he knew he wasn’t doing anything wrong. It made it easier for him to be strong for me.

Your right Scarlet, it is horrible how fast disability and illness can isolate us. I have been sick for most of my life and have few close friends. It’s not even that anyone meant to let me down, it’s just that their life changes and evolves while mine is mostly spent ’maintaining’ what I have. They are usually several steps ahead of me before they even realise that I’m not going to be moving on with them.
I don’t know how your disability effects you, but mine makes me horribly unreliable, and it takes a special person to put up with that and not get offended or just stop trying to include me in things. There have been people like that, and they are still dear to me, but it is a very short list. Coming to terms with the fact that I don’t make the easiest of friends has given me a certain amount of peace with my isolation, it lets me forgive those that let me down so I don’t get too bitter over what should have been.
As for asking your friends for help, while you don’t want to take advantage of them, you really should let them help. I’m sure that part of what drove you to be such a giving person before your accident was the need to be a useful part of your community. That is why it doesn’t matter at the time that it is a one way street, your reward is in the satisfaction that comes from doing good for someone else. Your friends are bound to feel the same way. And I’m sure with you it wouldn’t be a one way street, you strike me as the type of person that would find a way to give something back, even if it’s buying a cup of coffee for the person that gets you to the doctors.

I guess this is a place I’d come if I thought someone else might have experienced a problem I’m trying to learn to handle better, otherwise I don’t post. Some people feel that it’s not safe to put such things up online, others feel (erroneously I might add!) that their problems are not big/important/ normal enough to seek support here. Hopefully people like yourself continue to open up others will be inccouraged to do the same.
As far as replying, I’m subscribed to the group and get an email when someone posts, then I read it and if I have something encouraging to say or some personal experience with that problem I’ll contribute, otherwise I keep quiet. I’m guessing most will be that way too.

Hey Attif, good to see you stop by.

You know, in my experience, you are 100% correct. There are alot of both bad and good people out there in the world. I would think that alot of bad people would think the same way you have described above. You know what though, you dont want them, and the good one will come along for you the second your not worried about it! l ) XOXOXOX @ronbercume

It took me a long time to fully understand that every one is ’damaged goods’. Some of us are just forced to acknowledge our damage because it is not possible to cover it up in the current wrapping paper that is described as ’normal’. The sort of person that is worth getting to know and love will feel sorry that you live with a disability, not because they want something better, but because they wish life was better for you. They will see your cane not as a symbol of weakness, but an outward sign of your strength and determination to keep going under adversity. Please don’t take it as a failure on your part when you meet someone who can’t do this, it is them who is damaged. They have failed to meet your standards so it matters not what their standards are, they didn’t have a chance in the first place.

I unfortunately have the same feeling. I also have the outward appearance of being severely obese. The hardest thing if for people to judge me based on that alone. Little do they know that a great deal of my weight loss is a result of medication side effects from my ”treatments” for bipolar disorder and fibromyalgia. I would love to lose weight but with so many physical problems, exercise is nearly impossible (unless I can find an indoor heated pool, heated to at least 85 degrees). I know of a place locally, but financially it is unfeasible for me. I tried a diet change only and lost only 40#… yes a great deal, but only 20% of what I need to be at a reasonable weight.

I turned to academics hoping that I could find someone who could look beyond my outsides, but as a psychology student 95% of my classmates are women so my dating prospects are nil.

Hopefully our membership numbers here will grow enough that we could have a date matching section for those of us who live near each other.

@Darci your comments have kept me thinking for weeks. I personally know the things I do to help me over come my fear or hesitations is to self talk up – you know like sports players do before a big game? We need to do more of that – and I know music is an incredibly powerful tool. So maybe if u work on those 2 things you can ’psych’ urself up enough to ignore the cane. If you ignore the cane, then others will follow suit. Sometimes people can be awkward as they do not want to hurt you or offend you but they just do not know how to react. So I guess it is about ’owning’ it and not letting it own you (@scottysuss famous words). If you are comfortable then they will take their cue from you. I know we already have enough responsibilites as it is with our various conditions but if we want to live in the ’real’ world with everybody else then it is up to us to do so. I know its hard but from what I have seen so far I don’t think you are the kind of person to let it rule ur life oxox

Dear Darci,

Please excuse this very belated response. I have not been to the site for a while but was so moved by your message that I had to respond.

First, let me say that you are a very courageous person (and your picture shows that you are very attractive, too, BTW!). Like you, I’m visually impaired. I don’t use a cane, but I do do other stuff like inadvertently bump into walls and fail to recognize people that I have known for years on the street! I’ve spent years agonizing over my relationship choices. All the men whom I have openly told about my disability have quickly and unceremoniously run for the hills! Others whom I have not told have acted ”betrayed” when they have found out.

What I have learned from all of this is the following: There is a good purpose in store for all of us, and NO ONE is EVER damaged goods! We are only damaged to the extent that we believe that about ourselves and give up. There is someone out there that is right for all if us, and clearly those guys who behaved in such a small-0minded way were not right for me! Your willingness to speak openly about these issues and to create a discussion signals that you are very definitely not in the ”I give up” column! Keep recognizing that you ARE worth it, and ask for support from those who care about you when you need it!

I hope that this response does not sound too Pollyanna-ish – it is how I really feel!

Best to all! L

My ex husband was awesome and understanding regarding my illness in the first half of our marriage. He went to doctor appointments, held my hand through all those nasty test, standing by the bed so he was the first person I would see after I woke up from surgery. I never let a day go by without telling him how much I appriciated him. But then in the end he started resenting me. He would criticize me everyway possible and tell me no man would ever want to be with me with me being sick. And taking me to court going from one extreme to another, it really ripped me a part.
So I feel exactly like Darci I feel like DAMAGED GOODS. (oh my I’m breaking down in tears) I can live a pretty normal life it’s not like I have to many restrictions. I just have to spread my energy and activities out through the day. By looking at me nobody would never even know I had an disease unless I shared. But just because I look good doesn’t mean everything on the inside is good. Basicly I am damaged goods. What do I have to offer anybody? I can’t work and it seems as though that is one of the most important things men want. I think they must think I’m looking for a sugger daddy when in fact all I really want is a partner/companion. I have a huge heart and I do have a lot to give someone but none of it is materialistic. So many people say that they are searching for their soul mate, other half. That’s not me. I’m just wanting to find my best friend one that we could compliment one another and enjoy the good and the bad this life has to offer us.
It does hurt so much when nobody will even give me the time of day the moment I tell them my situation.

I have those exact same thoughts! and I battle them daily in my relationship….BUT at the end of the day you (and I) are a beautiful person and if someone falls in love with you then they fall in love with ALL of you…good, bad, and indifferent.

Court, I told ya, I married! ; ) hahahaha !

Very nice Jules

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Love this song. Sarah is one of my favorite artists. All of her songs are amazing.

You are BOTH incredible! Keep spreading the word.